We should fear being single, and aim for a relationship: A very persistent story
Being single means loneliness and less satisfaction in life. Being in a relationship is what makes us happy, healthy and complete. Such beliefs are reflected in the movies we watch, the music we hear, and the conversations we have. Has the time come for another happy-ever-after besides this age-old perspective? For many it already has. We just don’t often hear about it.
Let’s face it, even in today’s ”modern world” most of us avoid being single. This is something that even research backs up. Take this Dutch study called ‘Staying with a partner for financial reasons.’ It reveals how we worry about our financial situation or having to find a new home, and prefer to stay in a relationship. On the other side, being in a relationship makes us healthy and our lives more comfortable and fulfilling. This narrative about being-single-is-bad-and-in-a-relationship is good is one we continue to affirm for ourselves, and that science continues to support. But how much truth is in it, and how much of it is a self-fulfilling perspective?
Evidence to the contrary
Some people call this narrative a common cultural script. Others call it the myth of marriage. When Behavioural Scientist of the London School of Economics Paul Dolan conducted research for his book ‘Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life’, he also discovered a few things. For example, as he told the New York Post, that current evidence supports that never-married women are among the healthiest and happiest population groups.
There are other perspectives out there, we just don’t often hear about them. “Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there is evidence to the contrary,” Dolan also told Perspective Living. “This includes that single women live longer. And that never-married women have, by definition, not experienced any unhappiness from marital divorce or separation during their lifetimes.”
“Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated, or lonely,” wrote Eric Klinenberg in Smithsonian, highlighting another perspective we don’t often hear about. Klinenberg is the author of ‘Going Solo: The extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone. He added: “Many people living on their own have richer lives than other adults. Living alone can help foster a kind of restorative solitude, a solitude that can be productive.”
“Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there’s evidence to the contrary.”
Is there more to it?
Researchers such as this report in the Journal of Family Psychology now also say things might not be as simple as we think. That it’s worth taking a closer look at some of the decades of research that has documented the apparent health benefits of marriage. What they discovered is that we don’t yet fully understand the dynamics of the health benefits of marriage over time. That these benefits mostly take place early in the marriage and start to decline over time, especially for women. Plus, instead of marriage causing improvements in mental and physical health, this is because more balanced individuals are more likely to get married in the first place.
Even the perception we have about ourselves being single, or about someone else being single, also known as our single stereotype, has shown to be inaccurate.
“Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated, or lonely.”
Not a negative thing
It’s not because single people are bad at relationships, it’s because they choose to live that way. They feel genuinely happy about it. It’s because single people reject the notion that true love is the only path to happiness. They are no longer waiting around for someone to make things better. These fresh perspectives are more and more around us.
Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a relationship and workplace psychologist from New York City, talked about the topic to Time Magazine in 2018. She too presented readers another perspective to the norm. She said: “We tend to sometimes rely on our partners for a lot more than what we need to.”
“When we’re alone, there’s a strength and resourcefulness that is almost required to be present,” she also told Perspective Living. “Being single comes with many perks. And it’s important to remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that one can’t nail down a partner. But that it may, in fact, mean that one does not want to settle.”
She continued: “I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic. To be with a partner that they feel satisfied with. Rather than someone who is good enough. We have come to see being single as not a negative thing. We may have seen it as not based on a choice in the past, we now realise that for many people it definitely is.”
And so, as the number of single people around the world is growing, some say that it’s time to grow with it.
“We have come to see being single as not a negative thing. We now realise that for many people it definitely is a choice.”
Well, that depends on your perspective!
Being in a loving, supportive relationship can add happiness to our life. But what if that perspective makes us expect the other person to make us happy?
Single people do not have a partner to talk about their day. But they can choose to do so with a good friend.
When you’re not legally bound to another person, you have the freedom to learn. You can grow, and explore, without any of the guilt associated with taking time for self-care (Oprah Daily, 2019).
Singles have to do everything alone. But they can ask a friend. And they are also less dependent on another individual for their happiness?
Discover more from PERSPECTIVE LIVING MAGAZINE
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.