Being in a relationship equals growing up. Being single means loneliness and less satisfaction in life. Such beliefs are reflected in the movies we watch, the music we hear, and the conversations we have. Has the time come for another story besides this age-old perspective?
We feel comfortable with the idea that we are better off in a relationship. Being in a relationship, we say, especially in case of marriage, makes us healthier, happier. We can get more out of life. It’s a story we continue to affirm it to ourselves, and that science continues to do so too. You could say we fear being single. But how much can any of this be a self-fulfilling perspective?
Some writers call such views on being in a relationship versus single common cultural scripts. Others talk about the myths of marriage, and how social scientists have long been reinforcing them.
This perspective can be so deeply rooted, that many of us stay in a relationship out of fear. We might anticipate financial problems in the event of a divorce, loneliness, or having to find a place to live on our own, as this study shows.
Despite all of that, these preconceived ideas that many of us may have about being single, also known as our “single stereotype,” have proven largely inaccurate when examined.
Our relationship story
But if you look really, really hard for it, you can find other perspectives that tell a different story. Stories that can be just as compelling. We just don’t tend to hear about them as much.
Take Behavioural Scientist of the London School of Economics Paul Dolan. When he wrote about his book ‘Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life’ in the New York Post, he pointed out something. He said that current evidence supports that never-married women are the healthiest and happiest population subgroup.
We also caught up with Dolan more recently. He told us: “Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there is evidence to the contrary. This includes that single women live longer. And that never-married women have, by definition, not experienced any unhappiness from marital divorce or separation during their lifetimes.”
Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a relationship and workplace psychologist from New York City, talked about the topic to Time Magazine in 2018. She also presented readers another perspective to the norm. She said: “We tend to sometimes rely on our partners for a lot more than what we need to.”
“When we’re alone, there’s a strength and resourcefulness that is almost required to be present,” she also told us. “Being single comes with many perks. And it’s important to remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that one cannot nail down a partner. But that it may, in fact, mean that one does not want to settle.”
She continued: “I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic. To be with a partner that they feel satisfied with. Rather than someone who is good enough.”
“Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there’s evidence to the contrary.”
Things might not be that simple
There are many scientists who have been telling us us that married people are happier and healthier. But, lately, there are also scientists who have delved into and recalibrated these findings.
Take those who published their research in the Journal of Family Psychology. They found that we don’t yet fully understand what is behind the positive changes after marriage. Plus, that the feeling of happiness tends to take place only early in the marriage.
It was also the wives who were found to experience a steeper decline in happiness and health compared to the husbands. Plus, that healthier and happier individuals are more likely to get married in the first place!
There are also people who have looked into how single people feel. And in doing so, discovered another different picture. “Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated, or lonely,” wrote Eric Klinenberg in Smithsonian. Klinenberg is the author of ‘Going Solo: The extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone. He added: “Many people living on their own have richer lives than other adults. Living alone can help foster a kind of restorative solitude, a solitude that can be productive.”
The future of relationships
They say the number of single people around the world is growing. Others say that whilst the single population is growing, it’s time to grow with it.
So, for some the time has come for a new perspective. It’s not because single people have suffered a relationship break, or because they are bad at relationships. It’s because they choose to live that way. They feel genuinely happy about it. It’s because single people reject the notion that true love is the only path to happiness. They are no longer waiting around for someone to make things better.
As Dr. Dardashti put it, speaking to us: “I think that we have come to see being single as not a negative thing. We may have seen it as not based on a choice in the past, we now realise that for many people it definitely is.”
“Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated, or lonely.”
That depends on our perspective?
Being in a loving, supportive relationship can add happiness to our life. But what if that perspective makes us expect the other person to make us happy?
Single people may not have a partner to talk about their day. But they can choose to do so with a good friend?
When you’re not legally bound to another person, you have the freedom to learn. You can grow, and explore, without any of the guilt associated with taking time for self-care (Oprah Daily, 2019).
Singles may have to do everything alone. However, they may also be less dependent on another individual for their happiness?
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