Most of us know a thing or two about what psychologists might call family dynamics. Why we clash with one person over and over again for no reason. Or how our reaction relates to our past. But do we also have this insight at work? If we did that, says psychologist Dr. Niloo Dardashti, it would improve everything at work: From colleague relations to our work performance.
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Dr. Niloo Dardashti, what are workplace family dynamics?
Most of us have probably heard a little bit about behavioural patterns and our family of origin. About how those subconscious patterns can affect our current family or our search for a partner. But what happens when we bring that awareness into the workplace? Many of us spend nearly half our lives with our ‘second family,’ which is our workplace family. If we put so much of our time into making our lives at home harmonious, I think the same principle should be applied at work!
I work with clients across the board: from executives to the people who work for executives, and there are always stumbling blocks. There are problems with other people, and with being able to talk about things. There is uncertainty about what other people think about them, and what is expected of them.
We are constantly projecting onto people: it’s just the way we’re wired. Ultimately, the question is not do we do this at work too? It is: how do we do it? And how we can use our awareness of it to make a shift?
“We are constantly projecting onto people; that’s just the way we are wired.”
In what ways does our ‘work family’ trigger us?
So, you have your family of origin. For most of us, our family has created the perspective from which we view others, ourselves, the world. It is how we perceive interactions and what we think how others view us. Basically, this perspective is what triggers us, makes us reactive. All these things happen all the time: Consciously and unconsciously.
Ultimately, this means that when people get feedback about themselves at work (for example that their behaviour is not respectful) some things will happen in the background. Because it is very possible that they filter this feedback, the way they interpret it, through their own lens of how they perceive the world.
So, if we project onto the people close to us in our lives based on our family of origin, it’s impossible for us not to do that at work. And yet there is not a lot of focus on that.
“If we project onto the people close to us in our lives based on our family of origin, it’s impossible for us not to do that at work.”
Do we not already have such ‘workplace dynamic’ support in place?
There are all sorts of workplace coaches and Industrial Organisational (IO) psychologists. We have feedback sessions in companies, leadership sessions, Employee Assistance Programmes (EAP), and annual reviews. But, businesses do not have much focus on relationship dynamics between people at work.
Even though people are going to therapy every day, to deal with things like ‘how are my thoughts affecting my feelings and my behaviour?’ Isn’t the same thing happening at work? Yes it is. A lot. So, it can be extremely useful to have at work someone who is trained in understanding those dynamics.
But, should you have someone coming into the workplace to go through these deep-rooted issues? In the middle of your workday? Someone to help mediate and resolve conflict and problems with people? Who deals with all those day-to-day things that may come up, the small minutiae?
Well, if we did, things should not have to be that intense. We don’t have to dwell on the past. We can use it to help us create an awareness of how we are not optimally engaging in life at work.
“We don’t have to dwell on the past. We can use it to help us create an awareness of how we are not optimally engaging in life at work.”
Was there any particular inspiration behind this thinking?
It started for me about 15 years ago with a reality show called The Restaurant. There was this chef, and there was an investor, and they were just not hearing each other.
Then one day, there happened to be a family therapist in the restaurant. And as the chef and the investor were talking with her, something happened. This therapist started to mediate. She began to help them understand what was coming from what. And guess what? She became integral in helping them get past these issues.
What if the therapist hadn’t been there that day!? How long would the chef and the investor have continued to clash? How long would they have continued to see things from their own perspective?
What is the chance they would have disentangled everything that was said? That they would have started to see these arguments in a more objective, reality-based way? And would they have asked themselves: this is my expectation, but is it realistic, and how can I move forward instead?
All of this applies to people in any business. So, my desire is to help people to feel more alive. To be less on automatic mode. Plus, to help them feel more excited about their work. And one huge way of doing that, is to have someone in the workplace who can be there to help with the cohesiveness and the integrity of the relationships of everyone at work.
“Without such an awareness how long would it have taken them to keep butting heads and seeing things from their own perspective!?”
About our interviewee
Dr. Niloo Dardashti is the co-owner of the Manhattan Psychology Group PC. She is trained in more traditional forms of psychological therapy such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), mindfulness and other Eastern modalities, and works in the areas of workplace conflict resolution and mediation, plus anger and stress management.
It is her mission to help companies, organisations and professionals improve productivity, efficiency and job satisfaction by creating optimal ‘workplace family connectedness.’ She is also passionate about helping to tap into more empathy at work.
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